by Theresa Ala Mode
WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS WANT TO CHANGE US
AND NOT ACCEPT US FOR WHO WE ARE????????
I will tell you why! People want to validate their decisions in life and how they live their life. They want others to be convinced that they turned out pretty good and are happy, so why wouldn't you listen to them? They might be older and have been through a lot. A lot of what? WHAT???? How do they know that based on their decisions in life that they have picked the "right" ones and will benefit from them in the long run (many, many years from now). How do they feel they are justified to push their opinions down your throat when they do NOT know the end result of their decisions until they are on their deathbed??? Did they make the right decisions; did they really live a "good life"? A happy life? Who were they? Did they fulfill a mission in life? What will they be remembered for?
When someone is very vulnerable (and we all are at some point(s) of our lives), it seems as though so-called "friends" enjoy this period of time because this is the perfect time that they can push us and try to make us feel their ideas, their decisions, their morales and values are the 'RIGHT" ONES!!
But does our "vulnerable" self ever get to question whether the person telling us how we should change is TRULY HAPPY? Don't most people go through life with facades, costumes, role-playing and show only "certain" sides of their personality at any given time? How do we know what goes on inside a home; how family members treat each other, etc? How do they feel about themselves when standing "naked" in front of a mirror, for this is truly their 'AUTHENTIC SELF'! If we asked our friends how they felt about themselves standing in the mirror "naked"--wouldn't that give us a lot of insight into their psyche?
Only ourselves really know our authentic self; what we feel inside. People who truly love another person, I believe, will accept them as they are. And if that person wants to grow or change, that they are supported by these 'true' friends and is provided a "SAFE HAVEN in which to grow or a tall, strong tree to sit under for shade. I always remember as Sting sings "IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE, YOU WILL SET THEM FREE." How often do we set our so-called "loved ones" free???
Why do people love others--is this truly a selfish act? Do we love someone because they have traits that we don't have or a personality that we don't have or can we love them because they are different than us and we appreciate their different qualities? Do we take on certain characteristics of someone we feel close to out of "respect for them"?
DO WE REALLY LOVE SOMEONE FOR WHO THEY ARE AT THAT "GIVEN MOMENT" AND GOD FORBID, IF THEY CHANGE OR ACT DIFFERENTLY THE NEXT DAY!!!
"I only want to talk about good things."
Do we love people because of the way we feel about ourselves when we are with them? Do people really get "in touch with each other" or do they just have small talk or make up things to keep their conversations interesting so it guarantees that no one person will know them quite well.
Do we ask our loved ones--what they fear? What they dream about? Are they happy? What kind of support could they use? What are their goals and how I can help them obtain them? Do we ask them what has been their biggest accomplishment so far in life and why? Do we know what makes them motivated to start their day? Are they experiencing sadness now? Do they have any regrets?
How does someone really get to know someone. And if this person is having a series of setbacks and is having difficulty with life's changes, can't we just accept them as such and LISTEN TO THEM. Isn't this why, us humans, have two ears and 1 mouth? What is listening? Can we empathize with each other without crossing boundaries with each other? Can't we just "enjoy" the growth process together and grow stronger in the relationship and move to deeper stages? Or are we too afraid to reveal our true self and why??????
How come those people who want us to change to be more like them never FOLLOW-UP with us and ask, "how is that working for you?" They assume that because it worked for them, it, of course, will work for you! Can't we LOVE each other's differences and celebrate life's failures and successes TOGETHER and learn from each other instead of trying to duplicate duplicate ourselves for further justification?
Why do we continue to surround ourselves with people who make us feel more alone than if we were alone by ourselves? Why do we feel we have to put a fence around us and limit our words with certain people? Are we protecting ourselves or them?
How come so many people are inadequate when it comes to supporting each other and being sincere? The other day I had mentioned to a co-worker that I could not wait to sell my deceased father's home since it was extremely painful and difficult to go into his house and not smell him and revert back to so many memories or visualize him dying in his bed or remembering how he looked when he died and how his forehead felt as I kissed him goodbye. After I finished, the co-worker wasn't even in touch at all as to how I was feeling that moment; there was no nod, no acknowledgment? I was then asked within 3 seconds what the weather was like outside? Do people really have to experience "similar" things in life or the exact same types of things to feel "true" empathy for another or even lend some support? Since my co-worker's paents were still living, did this make a difference? How come people don't look for cues to see how another is feeling?
It seems as though relationships have become more and more existent because of "convenience" sake; a quick fix; a little amount of investment time; taking out more withdrawals and making less deposits. I am just going to log onto an internet room and be someone I am not, change my sex and when I get sick of them, I will just log off.
"I only want to be around her when she is feeling happy?" What is true happiness? Does it require you to be happy 24 hours a day? Can't we allow space for disappointments? Are the only people who can recognize happiness - happy people? How advantageous is it for the rest of us?
Why don't we help the ones we "love" see the beauty of each day!
True friendship is a balanced "jewel." Yes, there will be plenty of withdrawals and deposits but the end result will be in a "balanced state." Isn't that what life is all about? Risking, playing it safe and enjoying the consequences, the end results.